Railroad Yakuza -- The Blotter
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News and Review, Railroad Yakuza Style.
April 11, 2006
TACOMA, WASHINGTON | Is Canadian shortline millionaire Tom Payne a preservationsist hoping to get into the steam excursion market, or a Canadian spy bent on sabotaging American railfanning? According to sources within various federal agencies, who spoke to The Blotter on the condition of anonymity, it may be the latter.
Payne, who made significant money founding a series of shortline railroads in Canada during the 1990's, recently brought ex Reading 2100, a 4-8-4 Northern steam locomotive, to Tacoma, Washington, with hopes of running excursions. Many area railfans welcomed the news. "It's just not fair that Portland has the only big steam in the northwest," said one button-and-pin bedecked foamer. "Now we have our own, so nya nya."
Payne's intentions, however, do not appear to be so prosaic. Undercover agents placed by the Railroad Yakuza have discovered that Payne's front organization, Golden Pacific Railroad -- not to be confused with the estimated 44,732 Chinese restaraunts across the country with that name -- is plotting to monopolize the tourist railroad market. "He uses the word anschluss a lot," says one undercover operative.
More disturbing developments resulted from an accident. According to our sources, during a raid of a suspected marijuana smuggler in the border town of Blaine, Washington, agents of the Drug Enforcement Agency discovered internal documents from Golden Pacific. The papers included maps and diagrams of track arrangements at Seattle's King Street Station, marked with notes about "King Street Centennial 2006." Tracks were labelled with the identification numbers of prominent U.S. based steam locomotives. Radiating out from a spot marked "2100" are circles marked "stupidity radius."
"It's a known fact that anything mechanical inside a 1/4 mile radius of the 2100 will have a higher percentage of failure," said one steam insider. "Inserting the 2100 in the midst of the premier U.S. steam locomotives would be like setting loose an electromagnet at a computer convention."
What might his motivation be? According to the same steam insider, Payne has a longstanding grudge against Doyle McCormack, operator and restorer of Southern Pacific 4449. Apparently the two had had a dispute over the latter's plans to repaint his Alco PA-1 diesel into Nickel Plate Road colors. "Payne wanted them in D&H. He said something to the effect of 'Nickel Plate isn't worth a nickel, eh?' and Doyle flipped him off."
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Golden Pacific Railroad
The Blotter is an online satirical publication produced by the Railroad Yakuza.