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News and Review, Railroad Yakuza Style.
March 16, 2007
FORT WORTH, TEXAS | Larry Kaufman, formerly a writer for Business Week, may now be a prophet. Two years ago, he wrote a book called Leaders Count, a corporate history of the BNSF Railway. Known better as the "Book of Krebs", it has become a center of a cult following at the railroad. Said Kaufman, "it seems people read my book, and some of them enter a trance they never come out of."
The trance has so far claimed 114 victims, most of them promising candidates in BNSF Railway's managment trainee program. Victims of the phenomenon are being studied at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center in Dallas. According to one doctor at the university, "after reading the first few chapters, victims eyes glaze over, and the begin to chant "all hail Krebs" in a whisper, over and over."
Retired Attorney General Janet Reno in a press conference last Tuesday has stated her belief that this is a form of cult. "It's just like Waco all over again," said the indeterminate-gendered Reno, while strapping on a military helmet. "I'm calling Bill right after this to request tanks and helicopters to storm Fort Worth with." Reporters attempted to calm the situation, pointing out that the president was no longer Bill Clinton, but Reno stormed out of the conference shouting "to the battlements!"
Kaufman believes that his book may have been tampered with. "If you stare really closely at the white covered versions printed specifically for the management trainee program, you can see the text was printed with a strange kind of holographic ink. If you stand on your head and close one eye while reading it, you see an image of the UP logo wreathed in flames."
Upon the story's breaking in the press, online bookseller Amazon.com noted that sales of the book actually increased, primarily to ivy league college students. "It seems like most of the copies are being sent to fraternities," said an Amazon.com spokesman. "Typical books sold to same customers included Build This Bong: Instructions and Diagrams for 40 Bongs, Pipes, and Hookahs and 101 Exciting New Uses for Condoms."
Shares of BNSF rose by $1.05 at the close of yesterday. Said CNBC markets analyst Larry Kudlow, "indoctrinated workers are more productive workers."
EXTERNAL LINKS
Leaders Count
BNSF
Amazon.com
Kudlow & Company
The Blotter is an online satirical publication produced by the Railroad Yakuza.